Is Forgiveness Really Necessary?

I have a great deal of sympathy for those who have experienced abuse and struggle with the idea of forgiving their abuser.

When a survivor lives in a highly religious community, as I do, they often hear that someone who has been abused can never truly heal if they "cannot find forgiveness in their heart". This is not true. It is full of misconceptions...the first being that someone can truly heal after being abused, it will always affect their life--how they interact with others and their perception of the world. Another is that forgiveness leads to healing-- self-empowerment, emotional support from loved ones, finding comfort and inspiration, and time can help to ease the psychological burden to a bearable level (I.e., to heal), and FORGIVENESS can be a RESULT of healing.

However, what many of us truly find is ACCEPTANCE of our situation; that it happened, we can't change that it happened, but we will not let it hold us back or keep us down. This allows us to overcome the past and reach toward the future.

Perhaps I do not subscribe to the concept of forgiveness because I am not Christian. To me, forgiveness is mostly a religious concept, but  it has also become a social artifact. Forgiveness is central to Christianity - you must be forgiven of your sins, you must be able to forgive others, one of the primary figures died to allow forgiveness of your sins. I accept that others believe this, and that they strive for it.  However, I do not feel that this is always the answer for every individual, nor is it always productive.

For the non-religious or non-Christians, this emphasis on forgiveness as part of the healing process creates an attitude that if a survivor cannot forgive, then they cannot heal - and they, therefore, take on part of the blame. For instance, it has been stated repeatedly (to me) that you either forgive…or you continue to bear bitterness and anger toward your abuser and that this will destroy you from within. For a long time, this was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I felt that since I had not forgiven him that I must still be angry and bitter toward him. I had this impression that there must be something wrong with me since I couldn’t bring myself to forgive him. This made me bitter and angry with myself, much more than I really was toward him. I also felt like: forgiveness is a form of respect, why should I have to pay respect to someone who never showed me any respect, someone who treated me like an object?

When I realized that forgiveness was not integral to MY faith, I started to mend my emotional and psychological states. I became aware that forgiveness is not necessary to release my hatred and to overcome the all of the negativity I had built up towards myself. I also realized that he no longer had control over me. I'm not really sure why I hadn't had this epiphany before then, but when I did, I found a deep sense of serenity.

So, I believe that forgiveness is a form of acceptance, but not the form of acceptance I chose. I chose to accept facts wholly; that it happened, that HE chose for it to happen, that nothing I could have done or will do would ever change what happened, and that the best I CAN do is learn from it and carry on.  Further, I believe that healing comes, not only from being able to come to terms with what happened, but also from finding some sort of closure (In my case, making sure he was prosecuted.) and regaining balance of heart and mind.


Acceptance did not come to me immediately after my epiphany.  It took a great deal of reflection and understanding. I had to not only "know" that I was not to blame, but also come to the emotional understanding that I was not to blame. My husband should take the credit for much of this, as he reminded me of this often and strenuously. It is much easier to say than to feel. A survivor must come to know this through and through. You are not to blame.  You are not the deciding force of someone else's actions. Your actions are not the tipping point that causes someone to do something horrible to you. The only person at fault is the perpetrator.

Bright Blessings,
B. Fyrefly

P. S.  I hope that if you are a survivor, and you are reading this, that you have at least one person that supports you in your recovery. Someone patient and understanding. Many people think that I am strong for coming from where I did and ending up where I am, but I never could have arrived at this point without the support of my friends and family. If someone offers an ear or a shoulder to cry on, accept it. Being a survivor sometimes means that you will instinctively turn away from those that want most to help you, that you will try to put on your "I'm okay, you don't want to know what's going on in my mind" shield...don't let your defense mechanisms control you! LET your loved ones help you! And remember: You are not to blame.